So I'm 23 1/2 weeks along now. My wardrobe has dried up like a seasonal watering hole in Africa over the last several weeks, and now there is nothing save a few dying fish flopping around in the mud, holding on for dear life. I have stretched (and I do mean
s t r e t c h e d) my jean supply up till now, using hair elastics and belts to hold my pants on. The other day I pulled a pair of jeans out of the dryer, put them on, and found I could neither zip them up or fasten them with a hair elastic.
No matter, I went to The Home Depot with Brian anyway, my pants completely unzipped and unbuttoned.
It was time to face facts. It was the end of an era. It was time for mom jeans.
Everyone told me to go to the Gap and get the Long and Lean Maternity jeans. So I grabbed my good friend Terah and off we went to Woodburn, about a 60 minute drive and yes, the closest Gap to my house. I walked in with excitement, ready for a life changing pant experience. I asked to be directed to the maternity clothes. I held my breath in anticipation.
And then, and then, oh horror of horrors. They told me something awful. They had done away with their maternity section. I nearly wept, I tell you.
The guy told me to go to Old Navy instead. Well, I had tried that and the Old Navy in my town had eighty sixed their maternity, too. I nearly stamped my foot. But Terah came through. We can go to Salem, she said. There's a big Old Navy there, she said.
And we went. Yes we did. Maternity pants were tried on, yes they were. There was applause when I walked out of the dressing room. Applause and cheers and confetti and cash registers clicking and plastic cards flashing and oh, it was wonderful. Goodbye hair elastic. Goodbye muffin top. Hello comfort. Hello panel.
I cannot sleep. At all. I don't know why. And that's about all I can think of to say about that.
(The author models her new 'mom jeans' by Old Navy in what will be the nursery. Cookie the Dog stands by, waiting for her walk.)