Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Pregnancy Ponderings

In this issue of Pregnancy Ponderings:
-Getting Attached

If pregnancy has taught me anything it is that Brian is to be adored, nurtured, loved, and cared for for the rest of eternity.
Last week while working on a gift for a friend's new baby, I was watching the show "16 and Pregnant". A young expectant mother and her boyfriend were out to lunch and she ordered some cheese fries. The boyfriend said to her "You shouldn't eat those cheese fries. You're going to get fat." The girl put up a futile offense but soon after returning to their apartment, she found herself on the bathroom floor, throwing up her lunch. The boyfriend was in the other room, settling in with his X Box. He heard her in the bathroom and yelled, "I told you not to eat those damn cheese fries!"
Last Friday night was not unlike any other night for Brian and me. We ate dinner with friends, then came home and relaxed. Before going to bed I had a little snack and took my vitamins. Late in the night, when the house was dark and the only sound was the dog breathing quietly in the corner, I got sick. Brian was sound asleep, but as soon as he heard me in the bathroom he came running. He got a wet washcloth, put it on the back of my neck, and told me everything was going to be okay. When I was done, I was so frustrated and tired that I sat there and cried. And Brian just sat there and rubbed my back. And there we both were. On the bathroom floor. In the middle of the night.
With barf in my hair.
Brian did not go play his X Box.
Brian did not yell "You shouldn't have eaten that damn sandwich! You're going to get fat!"
So thanks for that, Brian.
Getting Attached
I can honestly say that I don't know if I love my baby.
This frightens me.
There is no other relationship, other than the one between a mother and her baby, where a person is expected to love someone else upon first sight, and with the kind of love that I think only comes as the result of miracles. That's a lot of pressure.
There have been a few clues, though. A few clues that I might just love my baby.

A few weeks ago, Brian and I took the dog to the vet. While there, Brian asked her if there was anything we should be aware of with having a newborn baby and a dog. She said, "Well, the baby is like a maggot for the first six months anyway, so you don't have much to worry about there." A maggot, huh? Really. You wanna take that back, Dr. Lady? Because I think you do. Because I think if you don't I will come across this room so fast it will make your head spin.

Does this mean I love my baby?

Last week we had our first real prenatal appointment. The doctor came in with a magical device and put it on my abdomen. We heard this: Wish...Wish...Wish. "That's your heartbeat," the doctor said. A few moments passed of just my heartbeat and the doctor's face began to turn red. I thought the following:


Then the doctor moved the magical device a little to the right and we heard this: wishwishwishwishwishwishwish. 160 beats per minute of pure...wish.

And the doctor was smiling and her face wasn't red anymore.

And I was crying.

Does this mean I love my baby?

It interests me that in both these situations my reactions came without thinking. Like a reflex. Like an instinct. Like a miracle.


On a lighter note, baby's got a nick name. Leon. Why? Because every time I look in the mirror that scene from Airplane goes through my head where the guy jumps into the frame, grabs some dude's huge belly and goes, "And Leon's getting LAAAAAAARRRRRGER!"

Here is an objectifying, headless picture of me (and Leon) at 13 weeks.

And here is my baby daddy.

(For those of you who aren't familiar with that scene from Airplane, here is the clip.)


Kimba said...

I'm so glad you didn't marry an XBox moron. Brian is way better. :)

Also, I did not feel like I loved Wyatt in the womb, it was hard to even imagine he was in there. I didn't even when he was first born. I mean, I did, but not that ohmigoshilovehimsomuch that I thought I would. It took a bit. Maybe because I was out of it, maybe because it hadn't sunk in yet, but it wasn't immediate for me. And then it hit me, and it keeps getting bigger. Don't you worry. :)

Lastly, I love Leon.

Martha Lee said...

I have to say it was not right when Joe was born either. I think you are just so happy that the pain is over nothing else sinks in.

I do remember the next day it was just Joe and me, it hit me this was my son. For that moment I felt this over welling love. It did not last forever. I think like most things in life, you do not feel all the love you have all the time. The feelings come when you need them.

tom + lisa said...

Such sweet momma-to-be-moments... thanks for sharing. AND, can I just say, I LOVE that you quote Airplane... and maybe in a few months when you start having contractions, you can say "I think we need to go to the hospital" and then Brian can say "a hospital, what is it?" and you can say "it's a big tall building with patients, but that's not important"...

Eliza said...

That Mama Bear instinct from dumb vet doctor and crying over the wish-wishing of a heart beat is love manifested in its own unique way :) It only gets better and better!

Adam and Tara said...

I love this post. And, I love that picture of you-- that little bump is so cute! I cannot wait for January :)

Jessica and Reecey said...

You made me cry. I loved this post, because I have experienced all the same feelings over the last nine months. It's a strange thing, being pregnant. It's STILL hard for me to believe that I am going to have a baby, and that all of this actually served a very real purpose. I have a feeling it's going to be worth it :)

Kaylynn said...

Pregnancy never really felt real until I saw a life form in the ultra sound, then it was like--wow that's a life, and it's my child. I had to see the baby. So nice that you have such a sweet husband!

Cody and Jocelyn Pehrson said...

I agree strongly that Cody also deserves to be adored, nurtured, loved and cared for for the rest of eternity. I had a similar experience with the throwing up in the middle of the night. I thought He was sound asleep and then the minute I am throwing up he's right there behind me holding my hair back and getting a towel. Not to mention when I get home from work if I complain at all about anything hurting he just starts rubbing that area(my feet, back, anything). Aren't we blessed individuals?

Whitney and Lish Harris said...

Such a great clip from a classic movie. Thank you for another wonderful post. I hope you get feeling better soon.

Leslie said...

You made me cry. I am so happy you have a great hubby who takes care of you. The amazing thing about babies is that although you don't feel that overwhelming love yet, your love for your spouse grows stronger and stronger. And when little Leon comes into this world you will feel emotions that are indescribable.

The combination of your love for Brian and the little baby you will hold in your arms that is a product of the two of you and all your amazing qualities and talents is beyond words.

That little baby is lucky to have the two of you. Hopefully he (I keep calling your baby a "he". Maybe it's because I have all boys. Or, maybe I think it will be a boy!) will stop making you sick.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel...I promise. And it is a bright one.

Kjersti said...

YES! I'm glad we finally got a belly picture from you! I like the little bump you've got, and Brian's is also very impressive!
This was such a sweet post. I'm so glad you chose to be with Brian. I think he's one of the really good ones. And when it comes to loving your baby, I think we worry too much. I worried I wouldn't love Kameryn, and then I worried I couldn't love Reagan as much as I love Kameryn, and once they're here it all seems kinda silly, and you have this love that's bigger than anything you could've imagined. I'm excited for you and Brian, and I can't wait for you to start your family. And I'm so glad you're writing about pregnancy in a way that's so honest.

turleybenson said...

Oh Abbykins. I love your blog.

It took me a while to start feeling connected to my baby. Strangely, buying stuff for him helped. It made the concept more of a tangible reality, perhaps.

Also wanted to say RE your comment on my Sugar post: Randi IS a hoot, and SHE is a girl. Also? She used to live in Portland (now is in Seattle). My two Pacific Northwest friends, you are.

Liz said...

Thank you for sharing. I just love what you wrote. When I had Leah I was head over heals, but I didn't know love until the moment the doctor placed her on my chest. Even now with Cooper, the feelings I had were different from Leah. You are so cute with your little bump. I can't wait to see and read more

Abby said...

Thanks to all for the wonderful comments. I'm so glad to have so many awesome people in my life who have gone through this and who can say, "Check, check, check. Yup, all normal."

We're a go, danny.

The Kilpacks said...

Love the belly bump...and tell Brian his is pretty awesome too!

Lloyd said...

I think that Brian is an amazing example for all of us guys. I love him for the way that he takes care of "my little girl."


Chris said...

Testing 1,2,3.

Bre said...

I guess there is something to be said about how much a young man loves his mother and in turn treats his wife with love and respect. Those are my bros! I'm proud of you Bri. Abs, I wish I could give you a hug. All your fears and worries sound like something I would feel. I'd be SO NERVOUS!!! Holy cow! However, I have seen how you treat people and experienced how great your heart is and you'll be A FANTASTIC MOTHER!! I'm so excited to watch you and Leon and Brian and how awesome your little family will be.