Thursday, January 8, 2009

Handbaskets! Handbaskets! Get your handbaskets!

While listening to NPR this afternoon I heard something that almost made me swerve off the road. Porn moguls are asking for a 5 billion dollar federal bailout.

Larry Flynt, the publisher of Hustler magazine says that in a nutshell, it's not for Congress to determine whether an industry is valuable or good for the people. Everybody wants a bailout right now, he says. And everyone should get one. Including him.

And this is where it gets really rich. He thinks that Americans are so stressed out right now that they can't even think about having sex. They need pornography in order to have a healthy sex life.

"Americans can do without cars and such
but they cannot do without sex. With all this economic misery and people losing
all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind...It's time for
congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do
this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly."
Hmm. You're right, Larry. Nothing puts me in the mood like the words 'congress' and 'federal bailout'.
And we can do without cars? Really, Larry? Really?! That's good to know. The next time I need an ambulance and can't get one because congress gave the money to you instead of the the auto industry, I will turn on the Playboy station and thank you. And Congress.
It costs money to drive cars. Having sex is free, you idiot.

I think Larry Flynt and his peers should put their money toward less porn and more handbaskets.

They're going to need them. Really.

If Congress gives them the money, I'm moving to Canada.

Oh, and another thing. It was said that Americans need porn to have a great sex life.

On the contrary, Larry.

That's just you.

Really.

13 comments:

cabenelson said...

Your last two posts have been... disturbing.

Leslie said...

I listened to the exact same thing yesterday and was equally disturbed. What an idiot.

Thanks for saving me a post on it. Yours definitely did the job.

And the handbaskets...priceless.

Always such a clever writer.

lauren said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lauren said...

seriously, when i heard about this, i didn't know whether to laugh or to punch someone in the face. and i'm shocked that larry flynt is still around. isn't it about time he burned in hell or his man parts fall off? sorry, that was kind of crass. but something tells me you won't mind. great post.

Abby said...

Thanks for the laugh, Lauren. And you are correct. I certainly don't mind.

Sorry Cabe, it's a disturbing world out there.

Lloyd said...

This is one of the reasons that you were raised Conservative/Republican!!!!! NPR indeed.

Dad.

Abby said...

NPR wasn't supporting it, Dad! Just reporting it. Flip. NPR is the best. Even better than precious FOX. Gasp!

Kristy said...

Oh my goodness! What is this world coming to?? Larry can have my handbasket - hopefully I won't be needing it :)

The Kilpacks said...

Well, I'm here with my handbasket, waiting for my bailout. I mean, after all, it's not my fault I spent more than I could actually afford and I cant repay it. The government should help me out more. I mean, gosh what are they for anyways! Hahaha. I'm just happy that my husband still has a job and we can afford to eat! Sorry that we missed you while you were here. We missed you!

Jack & Lindsay Chang said...

Oh, what a world!

Lloyd said...

Well.........ya never heard about Larry Flint on Fox did you. I sure didn't. Only left wing radical democrats would broadcast such non sense. Broadcasting such things of this caliber only plants seeds in the minds of men. The next thing ya know it will be granted and Larry and the boys will be a lot richer thanks to NPR.

Dad

Abby said...

Yes, but Fox is incredibly one sided. And I for one love the arts, which are often discussed on NPR.

Plus, Shepherd Smith dyes his hair.

NPR is smart news. Just look at it like this, Dad. I love NPR, and I am still a Republican. I even live in Oregon and I'm still a Republican...and a Mormon.

It's shocking, I know, but possible.

Love,
Belina

P.S. But I will still watch Fox with you when I come home to visit.

Kimba said...

Wait, that's the solution? Watching dirty porn is going to make me less stressed?

Yeah, because I'm sure the porn industry is really hurting right now.

You mean people have actually decided to spend their money on better things than dirty magazines.

One small step for man.