Monday, October 20, 2008

It Burns, It Bites, It Freezes



There is nothing that will turn my heart to an icy piece of coal faster than the phrase, "It's not personal, it's business."

So nobody at Dr. Little's office was more surprised than me when I myself uttered those words at the scene of my own lay off last Thursday evening.

I was more than just a little shocked at being laid off. I thought I was important! A fixture! A mainstay! I asked if they were joking. When they said no I asked if they were sure. They were.

The schedule has gone kaput at the office. The financial woes of Wall street are effecting the little guy. People don't want to fork over the dough to get their teeth cleaned, filled, etc. I don't blame them...now that I'm out of a job and can't afford it either.

I am sorry this situation is effecting Dr. Little's office. Really I am. But me? Really? REALLY?!

He said it was only temporary, that he wants me to work there until I don't want to anymore, that he'll call me to come back when things get better. Problem is, things could get better for him in a couple of weeks, a couple of months, or never.

And the other thing. I might just not want to work there anymore. Not after that unceremonious sendoff.

I did feel bad for him and my office manager though. He had tears in his eyes and my office manager (also my very good friend) was crying. I felt so bad for them, in fact, that I found myself saying, "It's okay, guys. Really. Don't feel bad. It's not personal, it's business." And in my mind I was thinking, "Whoa! Don't say that! You hate it when people say that!" But it was too late.

Plus, I was lying. Because I felt very personally rejected.

I was dumped once by a guy. But he didn't just dump me. He kept coming back. Over and over again, saying he needed me in his life, that I knew him better than anyone (blah blah blah) and then rejecting me over and over again for about three years. And I, like a complete fool, kept going back, hoping each time that things would be better. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through (Seriously, it was. Ask Kim.).

By being laid off in this way and telling me he'll bring me back, it brought all of those terrible feelings of rejection and wounded pride bubbling back up.

The words, "You know I would never hurt you, right?" and "It's not you, it's me." linked now and forever in my mind with "We're letting you go, but I'll bring you back though, when things get better."

I felt like my chest was going to actually explode, like my jugular was going to burst out of my neck. Like my face was on fire. Like I was the most disgusting, unwanted creature on the planet. Like I was a fool. How dare I think I was important there. How dare I think my employer was loyal to me because I was loyal to him. How dare I, how dare I, how dare I.

Not personal? Is that what they say? Those people who don't lose their jobs?

I am a sad tomato.

19 comments:

Kimba said...

Ah, Abs. I'm so sorry. It's terrible, and I know the feeling. (My own dumping I mean...you remember, you were there...telling me... :) ) It IS business, and you are fabulous. And now you can find a job that doesn't come with all sorts of crazy drama. I still say go for the bookstore - books are fabulous. They smell great, they're quiet, and they don't stalk you...

Abby said...

Hahaha. Oh, Kimmy. That is so true. They won't lay you off, either.

C.J. and Jackie said...

We were able to see Brian last night, but it is just not the same without you Abby. That's too bad about the job. You make me laugh whenever you post something new.

Tanya said...

abby i am so sorry. you are the greatest, sweetest, & most fun...i just can't imagine. they will miss you. just like we do.

Bre said...

Oh man! I'm so sorry my sister. I know exactly how you feel about the "It's not personal, it's business." thing. In my case it was "WHAT A LOAD OF BULL....!!!!" But I found a better job with better benefits and one that was WAY more fun and, get this, I'm still there! I know you'll find something better and because you have God on your side it will happen when you need it. Loves!!!

Jack & Lindsay Chang said...

Abby, I would say that I am sorry, but I think everyone mentioned that already. I would say that you are a valuable employee, but you heard that already. I would say how much I admire and love you, but I think I have told you that before. So, what is there to say to make everything better...I know someone who went through a similar situation and is now very happy (I think). If it doesn't help, at least it will make you laugh!
http://www.serenitybyjancandles.com/

Abby said...

Thanks for all those kind comments, guys. It's good to know there are people out there who love me!!
I love you guys!

The Kilpacks said...

Hey Abby, keep your head up! Things happen for a reason...maybe you just don't know what your's is yet, but you will. Just go with the flow. Much love!

Jessica and Reecey said...

Look at it this way: you are much too intelligent, talented and promising to be in that job anyway. And Reece says it's time for you to open your bookstore. Can I work for you?

Leslie said...

Ok, I have always hated going to the dentist and now I am always going to think of your story. So now on top of the anxiety I will feel sad as well. And it is all because of a boss who didn't know what he had.
Ok, now that I have that out of the way I agree w/ your parents. Maybe it happened for a reason. You are too perfect, responsible, personable, not to mention beautiful inside and out. Everything will work out and know that many people love you dearly and believe in you. I think you should start sending in your witty writing into publishers. It is never too early.

Abby said...

You are all so sweet. You are helping move past my bad feelings. I have faith that something good will come from this, I will have more time to do...stuff. ;)

Liv said...

I hope you can find relief from this stress soon!! I'm sorry that you're feeling so horrible, but I know you'll recover. You know you'll recover. And don't you feel better just writing about it? Yeah.

Enjoy some time off :) Make the most of it while looking for something better!!

Kristy said...

I'm SOOO sorry! That totally stinks. Stupid Wall Street! Hopefully you'll be able to find another job soon. Good luck!!

Tara said...

I'm so sorry for you! That sucks!!! I'm hating the current economic situation too! We can't sell our condo in seattle, so we are paying rent here in nyc (which isn't cheap) and paying our mortgage on our seattle condo (that on ain't cheap, either). Oh, the things I could do with that amount of money that we're sending down the drain each month! I hope you find a new job soon, or that things will work out!

Kjersti said...

I love you, Abs. I think they will miss you, and you will be an incredible asset where ever you choose to go next. You know there's a couple people in my family who have been laid off recently, too, and they both are so much happier now, so I'm sure it will be the same for you. I'm here if you need me for anything.

The Cori said...

I dido what they all said, it is amazing how things happen that suck and end up leading you down a path that you never thought would be so good! it's true! Much love your way!!!

cabenelson said...

I'm sorry Schmaaabies. You know we love you-

heather said...

Sorry Abs. You are a damn genius and it will work itself out. My first thought was... what a fine time to get knocked up... then I remembered that isn't any place for me to be meddling (still not the worst idea) next came the books. Can you move back to good ole UT and open a book store already? I will be your admin asst. (I come with 2 counterparts though, this might be an issue with the whole quite book store vibe that you might want to maintain. These are glitches we could work out.) :) In all seriousness though, it will all be fine. Firm believer here that everything happens for a reason.

P.S if Utah isn't in the cards, i'm always down for a move to the coast. That would be personal AND business, I could talk Ryan into this! (Can you tell I'm ready for a hiatus from the motherland?)

tom, lisa, jack, and lucy said...

oh my goodness, i'm so sorry!! they must have really been on their last legs to do such a thing, cause you seem like the most personable person ever... which i know is weird coming from someone you've never met in person... anyway, i know something better will turn up so hang in there!